4 things “TO DO” before saying “I DO”

I was always interested in marriage and envisioned myself being a wife. Though looking back, around the time that I started dating my now-husband, I was not ready to get into a serious relationship nor was I in the right frame of mind mentally to even consider one. I was a broken young lady trying to piece my life together.

Down, depressed, and still going through the motions of my last break-up. Fasting and praying, trying to understand what God wanted from me and why I was experiencing such darkness. I was living on my own and away from family. I was no longer satisfied with my job and I was struggling in college to keep up academically, which caused my grades to suffer badly! I had difficulties sleeping, eating, and concentrating on the simplest things, which only made things worst. I started to isolate myself from close friends and family. I was losing interest in what seemed like everything. I would sit alone in my room watching, as my life seemed to sink deeper into this dark hole. Around this time I was feeling lost in space but still managing to function as I got the necessary things done. For instance, my duties at work were necessary, even if the quality wasn’t the same I was there because I needed to earn an income to support myself. I hated being in this funk, wondering why me, a very familiar depressing place I’ve struggled with for a long time.

He didn’t care, he wanted me just as I was!

Despite going through all of my personal mess, my then guy friend (now-husband) was still pursuing me. He wanted to be with me and continued trying to convince me that he was worth a chance. He knew that I was in a bad place emotionally and spiritually, thought I never shared any real specific details with him. It did not matter, he wanted to be there with me, supporting along the way. Even after hearing “not a chance” on numerous occasions it never discouraged him. While I thought that he was crazy, insane, or a nut case I was also a bit impressed. He did not take no for an answer! After seeing how consistent he was for ~2 years and after praying to God for direction and confirmation, I felt good about the idea of dating him. Despite some reluctance, I finally decided to say yes to “dating” him. The power of getting to know a person can completely change your perspective about him/her from negative to positive or the reverse. What I got to know him certainly worked in his favor! Before I knew it, we were in marriage counseling and marriage followed soon after. BUT man did I start to suffer emotional pain early on in our union. This suffering continued on and off for many years before it got better. Had I taken care of things pertaining to ME prior to marriage much of the pain I’ve suffered early on could’ve been diminished.

Things I wish I did before I got married

I think my marriage was decently handled. We courted, we did marriage counseling, then we married. I was satisfied with the order of these events, however, there were many things if done differently that would have saved me a lot of pain and disappointment early on. The following is a list of some things I wish I took care of prior to saying “I do!”.

Avoid romantic relationships while experiencing a mental breakdown. Being in a bad place mentally and emotionally proved that it was not wise for me to jump into a relationship. Being alone with myself is what I needed for ME. I needed to know and understand myself on a deeper level. It is never a good idea to make big decisions when emotionally charged because it can cause corrupted thinking. It is best to wait until you’ve gotten emotionally stabilized and clear.
Seek spiritual and/or professional help. When my partner and I courted, I was silently battling many demons (negative thoughts) that I kept hidden. I would have benefited so much had I sought spiritual guidance from my pastor concerning these thoughts. A counselor would have helped me get clear about what I was going through during this particular point in time, helped me to refocus, and certainly helped me pull myself up and out of the mental battling I was experiencing.
Date longer. At the beginning of my relationship, there were a few FLAGS, some that others pointed out and some that I saw but chose to ignore. If we dated longer and my judgment wasn’t so clouded, the flags would have been handled differently. A pause before marriage could have helped both he and I prepare better for the future of our relationship, even if it meant to call it quits and revisit the idea at a later time. Dating allows a few things to happen; an opportunity to ask tough questions that most consider inappropriate at the start of a relationship, get perspective about this person from their friends and family, get the opinion(s) of the person from your friends and families, and also you get to pay close attention to how the person behaves in different settings/situations.
Explore mine and my partner’s family history. Being in grad school for counseling has helped me to understand the significance of family origin. Having an insight into one’s own family history informs you of who you are as an individual and as a collective. Looking into our families, helps to answer questions like “who am I ?”, “why am I like this ?”, “how did I become this person?”. Knowing where you come requires an investigative mind (going as far back as great-great-grandparents) and is proven to be extremely revealing. If I considered this for myself early on and encouraged my partner to do the same it might’ve been really helpful to us both.

These four things are all equally important when deciding to marry. Ultimately it is about being real with yourself and knowing when to invest in yourself. It is incredibly difficult to be in a healthy relationship when your mental health is at risk. Seeking help from a mental health professional can get you well on your way to the right start.

I’d like to hear from you!
Share your thoughts and comments below

PLEASE NOTE: read and apply at your own risk as this BLOG Is NOT intended to take the place of any form of PROFESSIONAl ADVICE. seek professional help to address your relationship needs. For any crisis-related issues DIAL THE CRISIS HOTLINE @ 1-800-273-TALK (8255) OR TEXT TO 741741.

Greetings world and welcome to
Far From Perfect Marriage!

I have often wondered about what makes a perfect marriage. Until I found that there is no such thing as a “perfect marriage”.

In fact, you do not need a perfect marriage; instead, what is required is that you and your spouse together define your successful marriage. The funny thing is that no marriage is completely freed of conflict. There are two categories of marriages; either you’re in a HAPPY marriage or you’re in an UNHAPPY marriage. Couples in successful marriages cope better with conflict of differences than those in unhappy marriages. The ability to deal with conflicts is what highly determine and fosters a successful relationship.

In my marriage particularly, while I certainly did not go into it aiming to achieve a perfect marriage, I thought that with much prayer and effort my husband and I would experience the best marriage! Free of almost all conflict. This was not the case; it felt like the more I prayed, the more conflicts we faced. In retrospect, I guess I was seeking something like a “perfect marriage” (subconsciously at least) hmm… well, unfortunately, needless to say, this goal of a conflictless marriage was never met. Knowing what I know now, my efforts in the past were more about me trying to change my husband into the ideal husband for me or the “fantasy husband” I’ve always envisioned. I did not see it this way back then. I’m very sure I thought I was harmlessly showing him “the way” (the control freak in me). In all actuality I was trying to change the things about him I did not like that I thought I could change, e.g. being committed to the church, his friendly and passive nature, the way he handled the laundry, the way he dressed, the activities he engaged in on social media… (you get the picture). All this change for the sake of attempting to acquire a more harmonious relationship… so I thought. As you can imagine, we had a few bumps in the road coming into the marriage and I did not want for these bumps to become sinkholes (I delve more into this later). But I realized (not soon enough) that I was too critical of him! I was met with resistance and conflict the more I tried to change him. Once I accepted that he was WHO HE IS as a person, doing things his special way, and I stopped working to change him but learned to find appreciation for the parts of him that made him the individual I agreed to marry, we did much better together. The road to this discovery did not happen overnight nor was it smooth; it was rough, tough, and icky but we made it through! Don’t get me wrong, some of our conflicts did require a gentle open and honest conversation that would follow with a plan of action moving forward, which accommodated both of us accordingly because I was not willing to settle for every or anything. For instance, we had conversations around how he conducted business on social media until he understood how I felt, why I felt that way, and how it affected me. Finally, I had to decide to allow him the opportunity to do better and I had to learn how to accept certain things as they were because the truth is everything was not fixable. We are doing much better together these days. It was not an easy task to accomplish, at times we experienced conflicts that set us many steps backward before we could be where we are today but I can say it was worth the effort! As you can imagine doing better does not free us of all challenges but we are more at peace and more focused on the positivities that are present in our relationship today.

Like many people, not really sure about how to deal with the differences that exist in their relationship, I was searching for the wrong thing “a conflict-free relationship” in better words a “Perfect Relationship”. I experienced some tough times figuring out what I was doing wrong and what was left for me to do right. While I know that no two marriages are created equally, my hope here is that by sharing my experiences and resolutions it will serve as a possible insight to help at least one couple experience success in their marriage. This is despite having a relationship that IS far from perfect!

I’d like to hear from you!
Do you believe in a perfect marriage? Leave your comment below. Send direct messages HERE

PLEASE NOTE: READ AND APPLY AT YOUR OWN RISK AS THIS BLOG IS NOT INTENDED TO TAKE THE PLACE OF ANY FORM OF PROFESSIONAL ADVICE. SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP TO ADDRESS YOUR RELATIONSHIP NEEDS. FOR ANY CRISIS-RELATED ISSUES DIAL THE CRISIS HOTLINE @ 1-800-273-TALK (8255) OR TEXT TO 741741.