8 Keep’s in Marriage

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When times get tough in my marriage it becomes really difficult to see or think clearly about the relationship. As I grew in my marriage I learned more and more that marriage is about daily reminders to do my part in making efforts to the growth I desire to see in my relationship. Of course, this lesson did not come easy nor did it occur overnight but it was necessary for the success of my marriage. As I reflect back on the things that helped to overcome difficulties the most I thoughts about the things I had to remind myself to KEEP ON DOING!

Keep forgiving

One of the hardest things I had to learn to do in my marriage was learning how to be TRULY forgiving! What made this so difficult for me was working true the hurt, the betrayal, the disappointment, and the anger I felt after enduring conflict in my marriage. The worst part of experiencing offenses with my partner was working through things just for it to happen again and again. This only made forgiveness hard to accomplish. The secret for me was bringing myself to see my spouse as a human being who was struggling but also making efforts to remain committed and consistent. Also, I had to acknowledge that I myself was human, I too made mistakes that he was more than willing to forgive me about. I had to learn how to practice true forgiveness, which didn’t require that I forget what happened but I let it go and move on, past the offenses charging forward into a brand-new day. This meant a new mindset and an opportunity for both him and me to do better.

Keep opening

I believed that my growing to become more open-minded increased the wellness of my marriage. I was a bit rigid in the beginning. If I am really honest there were times I might have been the “my way or no way” type of wife. You might see how counterproductive that was right. Marriage requires flexibility, trying out new ways, new ideas, and going about things in unusual ways if you have too. All of which are ways to exercise being open. If I kept a closed-minded approach there is no way my marriage would have made it this far. Keep opening up to each other in your hearts and your mind. Go further with opening up in the bedroom, about children, the future, etc. I found the more open we were about things to each other the more it seemed to help the marriage enhance. To keep open may not mean or look the same for you as it does for me but it is worth trying it out in your own way to see.

Keep loving

Love is everything! When I think of love I think of my God who loves me through my good, my bad, and all of what I am made up of in-between. My God is not picky about what time of day to love me but the love my God has for me is never-ending and very much consistent. This does not mean he doesn’t get to be upset at me for my mess-ups but he is willing and open to constantly look past my imperfections and he allows my mistakes to be part of the growth story in our relationship. In this same way that I conceptualize God’s love for me, I choose this same approach toward my husband and I apply it to my marriage. I am careful to remind myself of this during the lowest points of the marriage. I remember not to keep scores of the wrong but I am making notes and paying careful attention to all the things he is doing right and the things that are going right in the marriage.

Keep honesty

One thing that builds trust and security for me is honesty. This is never a one-way situation, I hold my own self to the same standards as I do my husband. So, in the same way, I required his honesty, I too am honest to him. I was told before I was too honest with my husband but for me, I could never be too honest. This does not mean it was always easy. I had to learn how to communicate honestly without coming off too strong or too harsh. Part of this was also me learning how to respond to him in his honesty, so as not to take things personally, not to catastrophize, and not to overgeneralized that I missed the point of his sharing. I learned the hard way that this would discourage him to open up to me. In a nutshell, you will not always like what you hear but appreciate the honestly and find the meaning behind the message. Honestly is healthy in marriage and it will set you free!

Keep vulnerability

To break out of my safe place with anyone is a huge to-do, as a result in the past I often time avoided this at all cost but this was especially one of the biggest fear-provoking things to do in marriage. In the past I had to test my husband with small sharings about my life to evaluate if he’d be trustworthy enough for me to be more and more vulnerable, he would pass, however, whenever I felt betrayed I would build my walls back up sealing them tighter than before and it did not take long before I closed him out completely. This did nothing to help the marriage but it sure made the marriage that much easier to destruct. This made it even harder to see myself trusting my husband enough to share parts of me I already thought made me weak, parts of me that I considered areas of higher sensitivity or parts of me I was afraid to act out in fear it would make him think/look at me differently/funny. After countless failing at attempting to avoid being vulnerable to share insecurities related to my core issues, it became clear to me that without me being vulnerable to share, “husband when you do this/that it makes me feel… scared, unworthy, abandoned” or “because I’ve XYZ I…“etc it kept my mind and heart cluttered. It kept my husband from experience a part of me that was delicate but yet so special, in turn, it keeps him from trusting me to be vulnerable too so I was missing out on all his goodness as well.

Keep learning

No matter how much I thought I’ve learned through watching other married couples, from sermons I heard preached on marriage, from out dating, from “how-to” books I read, or the marriage counseling we engaged in… I found that it was not until I actually became married did I fully begin to learn about marriage “MY MARRIAGE” and I continue to learn the more were grow in our marriage. Despite all marriages being unique in that no two are created equal, I encourage any married couple to keep learning about yourself as an individual, each other as a couple, and the marriage as a whole. Be open to learning from others, get with other married couples thoughts who have recently married and those who have years past your age in marriage, also get into individual and couples counseling to learn more about marriage. To learn is to grow and to grow is to do better in your marriage to promote healthy marital maintenance.

Keep choosing

Marriage is a daily choice! Once you are married you do not get to pick and choose what time of day you want to be an active participant in the marriage relationship. When I wake up in the mornings especially mornings after an argument or conflict of differences I know I have to remind myself that I made a vow to stick to my commitments to this marriage relationship with that stated I quickly remember my vows “through good and bad, through ups and downs”. I choose my marriage, which means I choose my partner, which means the more I practice to choose him and the marriage the easier it gets and the less effort it requires to remain committed to these things.

Keep supporting

Marriage is a partnership, a friendship, a relationship that requires much-needed support from one to the other. Support can look different for everyone and can be considered on a case by case bases. The way I manage my support to my husband is by asking him directly how he would like me to be of support to him. When it comes to me I communicate with him directly about how I would like for him to be of support to me. I will admit this can get sticky at times when my expectations and anticipation are not met or satisfied. This might gets in the way and in those moments I hope to see my fault but this isn’t always the case. Always be mindful of the ways you are or are not supporting each other, pay attention to opportunities you have to be a support and learn from those opportunities missed to support, learn from it and practice support every chance you get.

Understaing that some days might be harder than others to keep on keeping these 8 keep’s, I encourage you to exhaust all the avenues you can to do so. Effective communication is key! It can be verbal, non-verbal, or behavioral. My hope for you, your partner, and your marriage is that you find the opportunity to grow to appreciate yourself, your marriage, and your partner a little bit more than you did the day before!