4 things “TO DO” before saying “I DO”

Down, depressed, and still going through the motions of my last break-up. Fasting and praying, trying to understand what God wanted from me and why I was experiencing such darkness. I was living on my own and away from family. I was no longer satisfied with my job and I was struggling in college to keep up academically, which caused my grades to suffer badly! I had difficulties sleeping, eating, and concentrating on the simplest things, which only made things worst. I started to isolate myself from close friends and family. I was losing interest in what seemed like everything. I would sit alone in my room watching, as my life seemed to sink deeper into this dark hole. Around this time I was feeling lost in space but still managing to function as I got the necessary things done. For instance, my duties at work were necessary, even if the quality wasn’t the same I was there because I needed to earn an income to support myself. I hated being in this funk, wondering why me, a very familiar depressing place I’ve struggled with for a long time.

Despite going through all of my personal mess, my then guy friend (now-husband) was still pursuing me. He wanted to be with me and continued trying to convince me that he was worth a chance. He knew that I was in a bad place emotionally and spiritually, thought I never shared any real specific details with him. It did not matter, he wanted to be there with me, supporting along the way. Even after hearing “not a chance” on numerous occasions it never discouraged him. While I thought that he was crazy, insane, or a nut case I was also a bit impressed. He did not take no for an answer! After seeing how consistent he was for ~2 years and after praying to God for direction and confirmation, I felt good about the idea of dating him. Despite some reluctance, I finally decided to say yes to “dating” him. The power of getting to know a person can completely change your perspective about him/her from negative to positive or the reverse. What I got to know him certainly worked in his favor! Before I knew it, we were in marriage counseling and marriage followed soon after. BUT man did I start to suffer emotional pain early on in our union. This suffering continued on and off for many years before it got better. Had I taken care of things pertaining to ME prior to marriage much of the pain I’ve suffered early on could’ve been diminished.

I think my marriage was decently handled. We courted, we did marriage counseling, then we married. I was satisfied with the order of these events, however, there were many things if done differently that would have saved me a lot of pain and disappointment early on. The following is a list of some things I wish I took care of prior to saying “I do!”.

1. Avoid romantic relationships while experiencing a mental breakdown. Being in a bad place mentally and emotionally proved that it was not wise for me to jump into a relationship. Being alone with myself is what I needed for ME. I needed to know and understand myself on a deeper level. It is never a good idea to make big decisions when emotionally charged because it can cause corrupted thinking. It is best to wait until you’ve gotten emotionally stabilized and clear.
2. Seek spiritual and/or professional help. When my partner and I courted, I was silently battling many demons (negative thoughts) that I kept hidden. I would have benefited so much had I sought spiritual guidance from my pastor concerning these thoughts. A counselor would have helped me get clear about what I was going through during this particular point in time, helped me to refocus, and certainly helped me pull myself up and out of the mental battling I was experiencing.
3. Date longer. At the beginning of my relationship, there were a few FLAGS, some that others pointed out and some that I saw but chose to ignore. If we dated longer and my judgment wasn’t so clouded, the flags would have been handled differently. A pause before marriage could have helped both he and I prepare better for the future of our relationship, even if it meant to call it quits and revisit the idea at a later time. Dating allows a few things to happen; an opportunity to ask tough questions that most consider inappropriate at the start of a relationship, get perspective about this person from their friends and family, get the opinion(s) of the person from your friends and families, and also you get to pay close attention to how the person behaves in different settings/situations.
4. Explore mine and my partner’s family history. Being in grad school for counseling has helped me to understand the significance of family origin. Having an insight into one’s own family history informs you of who you are as an individual and as a collective. Looking into our families, helps to answer questions like “who am I ?”, “why am I like this ?”, “how did I become this person?”. Knowing where you come requires an investigative mind (going as far back as great-great-grandparents) and is proven to be extremely revealing. If I considered this for myself early on and encouraged my partner to do the same it might’ve been really helpful to us both.

These four things are all equally important when deciding to marry. Ultimately it is about being real with yourself and knowing when to invest in yourself. It is incredibly difficult to be in a healthy relationship when your mental health is at risk. Seeking help from a mental health professional can get you well on your way to the right start.

PLEASE NOTE: read and apply at your own risk as this BLOG Is NOT intended to take the place of any form of PROFESSIONAl ADVICE. seek professional help to address your relationship needs. For any crisis-related issues DIAL THE CRISIS HOTLINE @ 1-800-273-TALK (8255) OR TEXT TO 741741.